Sigh No More
by panicpeachpit
Summary: One-shot. From where S34 E8 left off. Ethan has a big decision to make. In a deep hole he's dug for himself, he finds himself unable to justify his actions as tempers are frayed. No choice is favourable; so what does he do? Spoilers for 19.10.19.


_**Sigh No More**_

* * *

In actuality, Ethan struggled to believe he even_ tried it_ with the impermeable Dylan Keogh. It was true that he acted like a baby when unwell and felt defeated at the slightest sniffle. But not even he used the flu or a stomach ache as a way of skipping work. It was part of him to soldier on through sickness. He'd performed CPR on a patient with his nose threatening to drip over them. He had spent his lunch break throwing up, paled and dizzy, before returning to work. It was ridiculous, honestly, to think that Dylan, who could sense bullshit like alcohol on the breath, would fall for it.

So it came of no surprise how frightful the day proceeded to be. A difficult patient case, a public dressing-down by his clinical lead and an argument with a colleague did not do him any good. The only lightness had been the opportunity of leaving work; physically leaving it, of course, but then being able to leave it _mentally_ too. He had a habit of bringing his work life home with him. Not this night.

They hadn't done anything. That was true. And technically, outside of work... she wasn't his patient. They were both adults who liked each other and that was that.

Such black and white thinking - rare for him - was not something Theo shared. To reply so nonchalantly to Theo... he could consider himself lucky he wasn't sporting a black eye, as opposed to just humiliation reddening his cheeks.

He'd often laughed at Cal's teenage escapades. As a teenager himself, he tried to lure girls he crushed on to parties, only to get their father threatening him off, labelling him an awful influence. Cal found it rather romantic to fight against a father like a bad rendition of _Romeo and Juliet_; Ethan found it hilarious to see Cal being shouted at by a grown man, an apologetic looking young girl biting her nails nearby.

Tables have turned and laugher is the last thing on his mind. Ethan isn't a teenager. Neither is Effie. Cal isn't around anymore - and Ethan really doesn't find this as funny. It didn't age well.

He had come to terms with entirely transferring Effie's case on to someone else as soon as he entered work. If Theo was going to play silly buggers, he could do so and Ethan would be free of him. It would be doing as he was told. He could move on. If Theo was content on doing the right thing, well, he shouldn't have any objections with Ethan removing Effie from the trial, and unlinking himself from this disciplinary waiting to happen.

Then the issue of Effie being alone, in pain, helpless, with no other trial to help her... that made guilt rile up in his gut. To leave this trial would leave her, effectively, dead. So he knew he couldn't leave her to it. Nobody else would give her a chance. It was sort of why they were in this boat. He was dumb enough to take her on, dumb enough to focus on her and dumb enough to have no idea how to proceed.

It seemed that, almost by magic, he dug himself into multiple deep holes, without meaning to, with absolutely everything he did.

_xoxo_

It was easy to win Robyn over - an especially milky latte and soft apology later earned him a shoulder squeeze. Ethan stands by what he said earlier, stubborn, but tactfully leaves that out. She is satiated and moreover, appeased enough to leave the argument in yesterday. Ethan decides he did enough to pacify the Keogh yesterday with his overtime. Besides, trying to stay in Dylan's good books was improbable; many tried and failed. And Ethan has enough on his plate.

He clocks in and loops his stethoscope over his neck. It is a good half an hour before his shift is due to start (not an instance out of the ordinary) so he decides a 90p coffee is a good investment from the nice individual manning the coffee cart outside. He is rubbing all remnants of exhaustion from his face when he hears a door slam behind him, and a voice being cleared.

"Theo."

"Ethan," he says, in his soft lilt. "Do you have a minute?"

"I'm actually..." he angles a thumb at the coffee cart mutely.

"Right, right. I'll wait."

A week ago, in this situation, he'd have offered Theo a drink too. Yesterday still brought a hue of misery and shame over him. He'd been made to feel like a naughty schoolboy - he was neither of those things and was still insulted. He didn't offer anything. He felt bitter and that didn't feel nice, especially since he was already tied up in knots regarding the trial and all things Effie. So he raised his coffee to his lips as soon as he received it, then raised his eyebrows, in a _what_ sort of motion.

"I'll cut to the chase. I wanted to know about the development of the trial."

"I'm due inside in..." he makes a show of checking his phone. "Now. This will have to wait, Theo."

Noticeably deflated, Theo nods. He steps aside and Ethan walks through, doing his best to keep his head held high. It's difficult. He feels like he's going to fall and scrape his knees.

Ethan is fully aware of being watched. It doesn't take paranoia to make him checking over his shoulder every moment. Theo is always somewhere, lingering. It is of no surprise. Ethan would do the same in his position. It's helplessness. Theo is a qualified medical professional but not even he is able to rid his daughter of this condition.

It doesn't make it any easier. He ought to drop the trial, quit while he's ahead. If found out, that would greatly reduce the weeks he gets suspended for. If continuing to completion... well, he may as well scribble out the "Dr" from his initials now. Yet if he doesn't continue the trial, he knows she's never going to live longer than a couple of years. Cystic fibrosis is a violent, crippling, malevolent condition, and he wants to help her be rid of it.

So he continues to treat her and get her on the trial. Risking suspension or being struck-off entirely. And then what? See her in his life daily? Put up with the feelings and hope he doesn't fall into them? It's simple. He likes her. Spending time with her will only strengthen that and Theo will get angry.

Every decision has a million repercussions. It is an impossible situation. He spins over each and every outcome for hours until he can't even form a coherent sentence and, flushed, has to excuse himself from a patient's cubicle because he was stammering too much to continue with extremely straightforward treatment.

It's already having effects on his career. Guilt never looks good on him. He can never stop it from consuming him. Abandoning or continuing with the CF trial will make him guilty in different ways. He could lose his job or he could be so haunted by not saving Effie that he leaves it anyway.

But nature and genetics have already made his career a short one. It isn't too long before he joins Duffy in premature retirement. He isn't looking forward to it. He doesn't allow himself to think about it.

So in reality... if his life is over in a few years, maybe a decade, if he's healthier than his Mother, what does his job matter? He's going to lose it anyway.

He is still deliberating over this when he's called to Dylan's office. Already flushed and nervous, he shakes as he approaches the door.

"Right, Dr Hardy. I've got word that you've not taken your break yet. Are you trying to get human resources on my back?"

"What? No, no. It slipped my mind."

"Yes, a lot has been, it seems," Dylan says, more of a grumble, and settles into his office chair. "You need to remember to take your breaks when they're scheduled, and if you miss those times, amend it. I'm going to end up getting in trouble for... employee labour, or the like, and the next thing you know, you're exhausted and someone has to pick you up off the floor - do you get what I'm saying to you?"

"Yes. Yes, crystal clear."

"Good. Well, I also understand you've got a visitor, quite a persistent one at that. Might as well appease whatever he wants whilst having lunch."

"Of course, Dr Keogh."

"Right. And, Ethan? I know you've fixed things with Robyn, and I, you know, well done, for... that. But I need to re-iterate that any repeats of that incident won't be tolerated, yes?"

"It was a disagreement. I'll try to be more reasonable next time."

"I'll take your word for it. Go on, go." Dylan watches him with eyebrows lowered, and Ethan takes his exit while he can, aware he's got off well, under the circumstances.

_xoxo_

Ethan misses lunch and he does his best to miss Theo too. Thirty long minutes drag along. When they're over, he goes to greet Rash and Mason, who looked rather guilty upon seeing him approach them. Ethan wonders if it's the protocol for F1s and F2s to look perpetually guilty in view of their superiors. It was something he did as a foundation doctor too. You thought of consultants as faultless.

"Everything alright?"

Mason looks pained, towering over Rash with a similar expression. "All great," Mason says, positively, more sunnily than necessary.

"Let's see, you've finished your e-portfolio, that was due, and..." he wracks his brains. There is an awful lot of headache-inducing tasks to do when someone new arrives. It is clear he is not a good mentor. A good mentor would at least know what his mentee has to do to complete the probation period. Right?

"I've ticked off many procedures," Mason beams.

"Any that you haven't?"

"Yes," Rash says.

"Right, well would you both mind going through those together? We have some dummies spare. I'm sure we can spare you both on the shop floor for a short period. It'd be ideal to have a good deal ticked off before your progress meeting in a few-" he pauses and notices a familiar figure coming towards him, lingering by a cluster of waiting room chairs. "Uh, a few-"

"It'll take too long to do them all," Rash says, arms crossed.

"Well, do as many as you can. Excuse me, sorry," he passes through them, and gestures Theo to follow him. He's sure he can hear them muttering and bickering behind him. Well, he never said to anyone that he was a good mentor. And he isn't.

"I was starting to think you were avoiding me," Theo quips lightly.

"I'm working."

"I thought you were supposed to be mentoring that young man? The tall one?"

Ethan slams closed the relative room door. "I've been busy with a certain patient and their father."

"Yeah. Busy indeed."

He crosses his arms. And every bit of frustration just comes tumbling out. "Theo, you have to understand. Outside of this hospital, we are not- it, I understand, as a father-"

"You can't even justify your behaviour, can you?"

"You make it sound like it's just me," he says uselessly. "When in reality, it's her too. Effie isn't a victim of me, we like each other, alright?"

"Honestly, Ethan... I doubt that. I don't think you like _her_."

Ethan digs a thumbnail into his own flesh. "Why are you saying this?"

"You'd fall for anyone who shows you any affection or care. My daughter is fantastic at getting what she wants. Trust me, sunshine, she can see right through you. Sleep with the young doctor and he'll save your life, I imagine."

"Or maybe we just like each other, and you're too sceptical."

"Gosh, you are cutting, aren't you? I suppose that's why you've fallen astray from your colleagues. Even the new ones roll their eyes at you. Anyone to show you any care is immediate, what, wife material?"

"I'm extremely offended what you're implying. As an old friend, Theo, I hold a lot of respect for you, and as you're continuing, I'm losing it, ounce by ounce."

"You need someone to tell you like it is. I'm doing that before you make a horrific mistake. You're a doctor. Treat her, make her better, then we're on our way. Do you usually take your patients out to eat?"

"You know what, Theo? As a matter of fact, I think Effie's lonely. I think she needs a friend. Your relationship is obviously frayed and-"

"How dare you!"

"You comment on my relationships, _my personal life_, I'll comment on yours!" Beads of blood appear inside his hand. It stings.

The tips of Theo's ears are beginning to turn red. "I think you're lonely, Ethan. Lonelier than you realise. I think you jumped at the chance to help us out, not for me, but for you. But I won't let you use my daughter to fuel your ego because you lost people."

"So let me get this straight. You want me to save your daughter, breaking many rules. You don't want me to be friendly or at all kind to her and I certainly cannot ever eat anything around her because oh, dare we eat dinner together. You also want me to turn off my feelings too?"

"Man, you are seriously missing the picture. I want to shake some damn _sense_ into you. The idea is, you back off, you do as you should. I don't want her getting her hopes up with you."

"Why? What are you so afraid of? What is so wrong with us being friends?"

Theo shakes his head, sucks his teeth. It takes a few moments and Theo continues in an increasingly tight voice. "I think you need to seriously re-evaluate yourself."

"That's rich," he says, scoffs.

"Ethan. Listen. I think of our friendship with great care. I don't want to tarnish that."

"Well it's much too late for that," Ethan says. "And I think you suffocate her. Effie. She feels followed and watched. Constantly. Always seeking guidance and advice because she's been mollycoddled. By you. You're the creator of that. Don't use her illness as an excuse, don't you even dare."

"Watch your mouth, Ethan. I'm warning you."

"She's all you've got, I understand that, and you're protecting her, but you're being seriously cagey about it. What is so wrong about us being friends? It's not your choice."

"So you're not just hanging onto the first person to show you any kind of friendship, no?"

"No! I can't believe you'd ever suggest that."

"Well, Dr Hardy, it's because it's like you're just... ambling around, _lost_, just _trying_ to find someone to love you the way Cal did."

Ethan stops dead. He feels his blood freeze up.

Theo looks like he got burnt. "All right. Okay, I shouldn't have said that."

"No. You shouldn't have. No-one uses my brother's name in vain like that," he says, his voice frighteningly shaky. "I didn't know you knew about his death - thaks for your condoleces, by the way, much appreciated."

"I apologise. But you threw the first punch, alright?"

He shakes his head, feeling like he's burning he is sick. Maybe he made himself feel ill by lying about it. All he wants right now is to hide underneath the sheets.

"Ethan, you were right, you know. She is all I have. All I've allowed myself to have. Her life matters to me more than my own. And you understand that, or you can empathise, at least."

Ethan takes his - Cal's - stethoscope from his neck, holds it protectively to his front. "I know it must be hard for you."

"And I appreciate you helping me out, you know I do. It means a lot."

"It's just my job."

"I... I really need her to be on that trial, all right? Without it, you know the outcome. I need her alive. I can't outlive my child, Ethan, I just-" he sucks in a hard breath. "I just can't," he says, firmer.

"Theo," he says. "I have done _more_ than I should have."

"yeah," Theo says, swiftly followed with a, "so find out if she's in the group taking the drug, or I'll report you for letting your personal relationship with a patient go too far."

He fails to breathe for a moment. A moment passes - waiting for Theo to take it back, to admit he's being unreasonable. And he doesn't. "You're... blackmailing me?"

"No. I'm willing to let it slide, but if you don't do what I say, I'll do the right thing and report you."

"That's blackmail."

"It's me doing whatever I can to save my daughter," Theo says, pressingly. "If it was Cal... what would you do?"

Ethan holds back any comments, any retorts, and nods, looping his stethoscope back around his neck. "You've made how you feel very clear," he says tightly. "I'm not going to let my patient die. That's all I'm promising."

"Ethan."

"No, I need to get back to work, now."

He turns, chin shuddering, and feeling the air sting the finger-nail shaped indents on his palms.

_xoxo_

In a state of dissociation and anxiety, he barely recalls the conversation with the stern lady in the office. Upon recollection, he remembers pauses, lies, and... a yes. A big yes.

Effie is still on the trial. She is going to survive.

Ethan's career, on the other hand, may not. But that was something he accepted the moment he lied on her notes, and something he understood when he agreed to dinner with her.

Theo is waiting for him by the reception. A day wasted; but for Theo, he would not want to be anywhere else. The hypothetical "_If it was Cal_" question set Ethan's mind into overdrive and he realised that, in Theo's position, he would be exactly the same; brash and brutal. God knows Ethan wasn't kind and angelic when Cal died, anyway.

It doesn't help to sympathise with him, because then Ethan just feels guilty for the earlier conversation.

He clocks out. He gets changed. He gives a discreet thumbs-up to Theo, who beams, nods, and turns. It's the closest Ethan's felt to peace all day. He watches Theo's back retreat. Well, not so much retreat... Theo has what he wants. He has a confident posture. A man with his affairs in order.

It is frighteningly cold outside, even for October. Ethan returns to the staff room, pulling his coat on (this place is his home more than his _actual_ home; he keeps shower gel in his locker, for goodness sake), and leaves, feeling paranoid at being watched.

A tall figure blocks his path. Will, dressed to leave. Clearly bored. He'd been waiting for Ethan. Or maybe he was just paranoid. He has absolutely every reason to be.

"Theo's been waiting for you all day."

"Yes, I know."

"Told him to shoo?"

"I'm treating his daughter, he just wanted some extra information, that's all. Understandable."

"Seems hassling and excessive. I've had cling-ons less clingy than that. Sure he hasn't got a thing for you?"

Ethan isn't in the mood. "Yes, well, it's the only work I've done all day. Rash has taken over mentoring responsibilities, I've got a million reports with deadlines looming closer, barely treated any patients and-"

"Watch it," Will says. "Keogh's everywhere. He can hear anything."

"What about you? How'd your day go?"

"Fine. Average. Just been helping Archie with some... stuff."

"Right, right. Well, I better go." He's zipping his coat up when Will clears his throat. "Yeah?"

"About Theo."

"I've heard enough about that name today, WIll, please. I've clocked off, so I'm not even getting paid to have this monotonous conversation."

"She's not your patient anymore, right?"

"No, but he's a friend."

"What does that make her?"

He pauses, deliberating upon an answer. "I don't know."

"It's obvious you like her."

"I don't know if I do, Will."

"For your own good, you need to drop this case, Ethan. It's not good."

"My hands are tied. I can't. Come on. We all have trouble patients."

"Yeah, but they don't tend to hang around the hospital all day waiting for 'information'. I saw you two tearing bits out of each other. It was out of order of you to mention their father/daughter relationship. And it was out of order of him to insult you with the Cal thing."

"Well, thank you for coming in to back me up, Will!" He says, feeling astounded.

"You wouldn't have wanted me to get involved, would you? You're in a hurry to leave as is. If you can't stand talking to me, so go."

Ethan deliberates for a moment. Reverse psychology irritates him, so he does what he likes, unhappily walking around Will, holding his stethoscope tight in his hand, and departing out into the cold night.

_xoxo_

Ethan lays awake in a glaringly empty bedroom. A million conversations fill his head. It doesn't help that it's Cal's room. It doesn't invoke the same comfort he hoped.

"What do I do, Cal?"

The question is left unanswered. Of course, he wouldn't expect anything different. He watches the window outside. Holby City goes on through the night. He can imagine the hospital still functioning; the night will turn to the AM and people will walk the halls, swapping shifts, swapping patients, saving lives. Rubber solves squeaking down polished corridors. People will wear the same creased scrubs. They'll clock in, clock out, lose patients, bring patients to live. Outside, the world lives on.

The big ball of dread laying on his chest is just a feeling. It doesn't really exist. It is in his head. He's stronger than it.

He turns to his side, hearing the radio playing softly from the kitchen. It's a love song. He thinks of every girlfriend he's ever had before his mind reaches Effie.

Ethan likes her. Of course. But it's Leigh-Anne all over again. It's guilt from a past action. _And she looks so much like Jenny when she's crying. _Or what he remembers Jenny looked like... muddied and dusty from the bomb blast. He can't remember Jenny's face or much of it. It's a nightmare where everyone looks the same. Feelings stick. Guilt blows. If he thinks of Effie, he can't picture... kissing her, or being lovers with her. It's all so... messy.

A deep hole has been dug and the further he goes, the harder it's going to be to get out. He has a lot of material for suspension at the moment. It'll be a miracle if he gets away with it.

He looks at Cal's leather jacket hanging from the back of the door. He never had the heart to unpack this room, mainly because of items like that. Despite how materialistic Cal could be, he only had a few clothes and they were all so expensive and treasured. That was one of them. He wore it all the time. Hugged Ethan in it.

Cal would find himself in this sort of situation. It's far more Cal, has him written all over it. Ethan knows Cal would have first-hand advice.

But it's just him. Ethan. And he tries to channel who he used to be, what the old him would do...

Not this. Not dig even deeper until he can't even see the surface. He's reaching hot burning depths and it's not going to improve. And it's impossible to burden! It's a doctor's nightmare. And he needs... someone to help untangle this.

Ethan holds his phone to his ear and remembers Will's face, how he told him to cut his losses, affectively, how he gave the advice as a big brother would. This is what he's been pining for. _Someone to love you like Cal did._ Or at least, to be treated with the same compassion Cal would treat him with. He needs to listen to Will. He needs to do what's right, or as close to what's right, as possible.

"Dylan? I know it's late, but... Dylan, I've made a horrible mistake, and I was hoping you could offer some guidance."

_xoxo_

_a/n: how're you finding ethan's storyline? i'm desperate to know the general consensus. i honestly don't know how i feel so that's why i wrote this ending in such an ambigious way. will effie get the trial? do they lose feelings for eachother? does theo hulk smash ethan? it's a mystery. please let me know how you're finding ethan in casualty at the minute! _


End file.
